Good Friends

The expression "Good friends are hard to find" has become a bit of a cliche but I think it is perfectly true.  If good friends were easy to find, everyone would be happy and loved.

I have often times felt used by my friends.  One friend of mine only seems to call me when she needs a ride or wants to discuss her boyfriend.  Another friend only talks to me when he wants to feel good about himself.  I suppose it is my fault for not standing up to them.

However, I have two best friends who make up for everything.  One is my sister and she has always taken care of me, even when she has lived far away.  The other one is my best friend who not only brings out the best in me, but cares about my feelings.

Good friends may be hard to find but they are worth the wait.

Overrated Movies

I wanted to follow up on my last post, where I talked about the most overrated books.  Likewise, there is a certain amount of guilt in not liking so called classic movies so I thought I would make an overrated movie list as well.

1. 2001: A Space Odyssey: This movie is dreadfully dull and any point that it tries to make is lost to the viewer.  Instead of pondering the film, the viewer is pondering ways to escape the theater.
2. A Clockwork Orange: As you can probably tell, I am not a big Kubrick fan.  This film is very disturbing to watch.  I don't mind watching disturbing films if I gain something from them, but, unfortunately, I did not.
3. Schindler's List: I have seen plenty of Holocaust movies that are infinitely better that do not get the praise this movie has gotten.  I suppose that is because Spielberg has the name recognition but this is another dull film that has not lived up to the hype.
4. Citizen Kane: This is movie is often considered the greatest film of all time.  However, this is another one that bored me to tears.
5. Last Tango in Paris: This film is even more disturbing than A Clockwork Orange and again, there is no point.

Overrated Books

As an avid reader, often times I made to feel ashamed if I have not read or liked a certain book.  I have read most of the classics and I can you that a lot of them are overrated and dull.  Here is my list of the most overrated books:
1. Anna Karenina: this novel is mostly the same as Madame Bovary.  The difference is that Flaubert is able to make his point in a concise manner while Tolstoy takes around 900 pages to come to his.
2. Moby Dick: I thought that a book about a whale chase would be something like Jaws and therefore halfway interesting but no such luck.  The only interesting thing was that two grown men that were strangers slept in the same bed.
3. Tale of Two Cities: Just incredibly dull.
4. Atlas Shrugged: Rand seemed to just want to rant about politics and wanted a platform to do so.  I guess she came up with this horribly boring storyline as a front for shoving her opinions down our throats.
5. Crime and Punishment: This novel had an interesting concept but in the end was just way too verbose.

Dorothy Parker

Symptom Recital

I do not like my state of mind;
I'm bitter, querulous, unkind.
I hate my legs, I hate my hands,
I do not yearn for lovelier lands.
I dread the dawn's recurrent light;
I hate to go to bed at night.
I snoot at simple, earnest folk.
I cannot take the gentlest joke.
I find no peace in paint or type.
My world is but a lot of tripe.
I'm disillusioned, empty-breasted.
For what I think, I'd be arrested.
I am not sick, I am not well.
My quondam dreams are shot to hell.
My soul is crushed, my spirit sore;
I do not like me any more.
I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse.
I ponder on the narrow house.
I shudder at the thought of men....
I'm due to fall in love again.

-Dorothy Parker

Dorothy Parker has always been my inspiration.  She was such a sad woman, but she made up for it by keeping herself and the people around her laughing.

Love has become so fictionalized, so romanticized that it is scarcely recognizable anymore.  It is easy to dismiss me for saying that since I have never had any luck in that area.  But honestly, even the couples that work out in real life are completely unlike the couples that work out in novels.  The finish line in novels is agreeing to go out on a date with someone (or marry them depending on the time period).  They don't talk about how dating is a nightmare, how you will both change in a year in very different ways, and how you find yourself attracting to other people, no matter how hard you try.

I am convinced, on this subject, that Dorothy Parker is right.

Out of Place

I have a bench in the Cathedral of Learning that I always sit on.  Nowhere is ever there because it is very out of place.  It is directly in front of a cold window, it is not close to any classrooms, and it is rather uncomfortable.  The Cathedral is always so busy that I like having a place that I know will always be mine.  At least, I think that is why I like it.

It is as out of place as I am here.  I am not a college student; I am still technically a high school senior.  Yet, I do not enter the high school at all anymore, and I take all my classes at Pitt.  This is apparently something that no one has ever done before at Franklin.  I suppose that should make me feel special but all it really says is there is absolutely no one who I can relate to.

A couple weeks ago one of my guy friends was complaining about all the drama that occurs in high school.  I replied, "Well, it will be over soon and you won't have to deal with such annoying people.  In college, I can go through an entire week without talking to anyone since I just attend lectures."  Lucky, he said.  Yes, I suppose I am lucky.  Though this kind of luck is awfully lonely.

Our Tastes

"Hipster refers to a subculture of young, recently settled urban middle class adults and older teenagers that appeared in the 1990s. The subculture is associated withindependent music, a varied non-mainstream fashion sensibility, liberal or independent political views, alternative spirituality or atheism/agnosticism, and alternative lifestyles. Interests in media include independent film, magazines such as Clash, and websites like Pitchfork Media."


The above entry is from Wikipedia and describes hipsters, which is becoming a wildly popular trend among people my age.  This is ironic because the whole point of being a hipster is to fight against the mainstream and not letting society dictate your views.  I find this method of thought absolute ridiculous.  By specifically not liking things just because other people do, you are still letting society dictate your tastes, just in a round about way.
I cannot, however, act as though I above wanting other people to think my tastes are cool.  There is a good deal of shame involved when I admit to someone that one of my favorite artists is Taylor Swift.  I also enjoy Buddy Holly, The Beatles, and The Velvet Underground.  I am always more eager to announce the latter groups as favorites than the former.  I suppose it has something to do with the idea that the classics are always better and everything that comes out of today's culture is crap.
So objectively, I know that having other people approve my tastes is absurd.  And yet, I still to do it.

Silence

Silence

Amanda Sobczak

There are those that will scorn my love or wish it ill;
I know for sure your girlfriend will;
But what is true love without a fight?
I say so to prove dear Shakespeare right.

The pain and sorrow I wouldn’t miss;
Surely hate is better than this?
But if sweet cruelty is all you can give me,
You can be sure I hold onto it dearly.

I know this poem will go unread;
Selfish love will lead to tears shed;
If writing from your heart is so nice;
Will a scream, a yell, a sob suffice?

It’s hard to believe that a love as tender as mine
Has already been expressed a hundred times;
Since I can’t rely on your love, I’ll trust your kindness:
You keep my heart, I'll keep my silence.

Shakespeare Sonnet 29

When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd,
Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;
For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

This is probably the best Shakespearean sonnet I have read, which is saying a lot for me since he is by far my favorite poet and I have read all of his poems.  The message, of course, is that even though he is a poor, outcasted man, he would not trade his life with anyone because the woman in his life makes him feel richer than kings.

I think everyone can relate to the feelings the speaker has at the beginning of the poem.  Sometimes, we all feel like everyone is better off than ourselves and that we are completely alone.  Unfortunately, we cannot all relate to the end of the sonnet, when the poet states that his love makes it all worth it.

How often are we told that love is the greatest of all powers?  That it, above all else, makes life worth living?  There is no clause when people make that statement that says "oh yes and if you cannot make someone love you, you are pretty much out of luck."  Yet, to me, it is there.  And probably to anyone else who has nobody.

My Lists

I believe that all my lists are slowly taking over my life.

Of course, this may happen to everyone.  We all have lists that we use everyday, even if they are strictly mental.  We go through our list internally when we wake up and when we go to bed.  However, my lists are my biggest projects and goals.  I have a list of books I want to read, movies I want to see, albums I want to listen to, and bucket list items I want to achieve in my life time.  I have a whole shelf in my room dedicated to list books.

Why do I have such a obsession with checklists?  I think it has always been something to control.  Even when I feel completely trapped and alone in suburbia, I feel like I am at least making progress in my intellectual development.  I want to emphasize that it is strictly internal development.

Still single, still solitary, still unhappy.

But hey, at least I have read a lot of books.

The Greatest of Pleasures

“A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies, said Jojen. The man who never reads lives only one.” 
George R. R. Martin

Ever since I was a little girl, I have loved to read.  It is a cliche pleasure I suppose, but one that we feel like we should all have, otherwise we are not considered smart.  But sometimes I wonder if I have benefitted from my love of books.

I should revise my earlier statement.  Ever since I was little girl, I have been obsessed with reading.  Whenever I had a free moment in school, I would inevitably pull out a novel.  Every evening my goal was to get to bed early so I could read before I fell asleep.  I began to look at my life and the people in it as if we were all part of a story, and was often disappointed when I would realize that my life was nowhere near as exciting as the lives of the heroes I read about.  I may have lived a thousand lives in my seventeen years but I seemed to have forgotten to live my own.  And now that I have remembered, I realize I never learned how.